Lately, the whines, demands, all of the things that trigger me have really been triggering me.

I feel it build, like a bubbling volcano.

Sometimes it explodes out of me, I scream.

At my three year old.

That doesn't feel good. Okay, it feels good for a moment until I realize how scary a large woman screaming sounds. Mostly though, I see how ineffective yelling is.

Time and time again I see how effective staying calm, staying boss, CEO, tree like, sturdy like a post, a street lamp, is. But how? How, when the levels rise again to a new level of whining, demands, and triggers every several months?

Stepping back I can see that these new levels are a time when the boss, CEO, and tree are needed most. It's also the hardest time to be sturdy because I am meeting a new bubbling of volcano at the same time. To meet yourself like this, many times over these years of parenting is/must be continuously, exhausting, wavering, unstable, unconfident. How then, does one reach deep within to calm a righteous volcano of real human lava?

I am not sure.

But, I was telling Bea that patience takes practice after she asked what patience was. And  along with that, we are helping shape a real live person here. So the need for sturdy is very desirable and that helps.

More parent breaks.

Janet Lansbury helps me stayed focused.

Kenny. Star Trek. The Peanut Gallery. Friends. The shaping of a real live person. Goodnight.