Outside all of the time

Bea wants very little to do with the inside these days. How can we argue with that?

Feeling better

I love the occasional epiphany.

I love it even if it is fleeting to the point of not remembering it because there is a feeling of understanding within you. Of what, you may never know but wow, you were close.

I like the epiphany one gets when drinking coffee. The world is bright, you are caffeinated, and yes, this all makes sense until a few hours pass and you realize that maybe you need more than a day to finish a dress for your girl because you don't really know how to sew.

Finally, I'm really into the epiphany that comes about something related to parenting. I've sat with this one for a while so I know it's not fleeting or a result of my coffee drinking. It's simple, get to know your unique kid, your new dynamic as a family and go with it, in every department. Don't listen too closely to your friend's ways or advice from a book, even if you really love your friend or the book. Sure, take what you want, try some things out, keep pieces in your pocket for later, but don't for heavens sake, beat yourself or your partner up about it while rocking your one year old to sleep at 3 am because she can't get herself back there again. Don't beat yourself up about it when you're at work after a night of letting her cry (you had to try it to see) for hours that seemed like days. It doesn't matter, you will beat yourself up, you will search and search because it's apart of the process, the parenting growing process. It hurts and you cry but the days move on and still you feel you are pushing palms and arms and stomach and thighs and feet all together against a brick wall as night approaches all because you can't get her to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. Something is wrong here. This months long struggle to get her to sleep for long stretches at a time isn't right.

She's not ready and here is why: there is a shit ton of teeth growing going on in her mouth for months at a time and because that is what we decided, she's not ready. Still the book I love says that she could be sleeping without milk through the night and many of my friends say their kids are or were but she's not and she's our unique baby and responsibility. We take care of her day and night. So, I decided to cut out the pressure I feel. I cut it out with a clean and sharp, shiny knife. We'll wait a few more months (truthfully it seems like forever) before trying to night wean her of the milk, mama's comforting, delicious milk.

Still, it is so hard to not sleep much of most nights. When it gets really hard, I have to somehow reach within and remember that this is a tiny part of it all, of our lives together and of our lives in this big world. There is much, much more like,

her wobbly new walking legs
the adorable pouncing in the grass
first thing kisses loud enough to wake everyone
those little, dirty, sticky, living hands
purposeful movements, wow, she's deciding
how she runs to the window to see daddy ride to work
how did she know where the clouds were
questions without words and sometimes we know
sign language
all of the food eating
her elation for airplanes and helicopters
new words, every single day
the rocks in the backyard
Gina
taking those baby deep breaths

There is much more amazing than struggle here. We are lucky and I know it.

Thanks for reading. I feel better.